Its been 5 weeks since I have left the father of my baby, moved out and taken on the title of “single mother”. Its been a whirlwind and one bumpy ride with alot of ups and downs and by no means is it “easy”
I am not complaining, I am just venting.
I may live with my grandparents and some would consider that as me having help with Britney or normal housework and day to day activities that need to be done but that is completely false. My grandparents are old and my gran is ill. They cannot pick Britney up or put her to bed or bath her or feed her and even if they could she would not allow that as she has always been “mummy vas” even before I moved out. So I look after my baby, teach her, care for her and play with her while juggling work, cooking, cleaning, looking after myself and still, somehow, having a social, “normal” life of my own. Its not easy but neither is it impossible.
Lately B has grown alot, she’s so much more aware, so much smarter and just like a sponge, she is soaking up everything, teaching me something new about her every day but she is also learning to push the boundaries with me to see how far she can go to get what she wants even when she knows she’s not allowed. And don’t no body dare tell me that she is only one, she doesn’t understand because she understands very well. She understands the words “no”, “yes” “please give that to me”, “spit”, “shu shu”, “Blankie”, “Bottle”, “come here”, “hello”, “bye-bye” she understands all of that and follows each instruction perfectly, first time, no repeating. And when she is doing something she is not supposed to be doing she watches me carefully first before doing it so to make sure I dont see her and if I do she just blankly stares at me, points to the thing, frowns and says “no” But as i was saying, lately she pushes and when I say no or she gets caught she throws the worst tantrums ever, kicking, screaming and smacking me if I am in reach. Its times like these that i feel hopeless and like a complete failure as a mom. I never want to hit her, I dont believe in that, not saying I never have because there have been times I have smacked her hand or her bum protected by a nappie, but even then, I feel completely guilty. I am slowly learning how to deal with her tantrums by simply putting her on the floor to kick and scream, leaving her pacifier and blankie next to her while I simply ignore her and walk away leaving her. Last night while bathing she began throwing such a tantrum that I am sure the neighbours thought I was murdering her. I stood back, watched her and calmly asked her to calm down. ten minutes later full of loud screaming kicking and smacking the bath she eventually stopped, looked at me with heavy breathing and stretched out her arms. I took her out and went to cream her up and dress her in her PJs. As I sat her up to put her top on she grabbed my neck and gave me a tight hug. I rocked her to sleep. I felt proud of myself and i felt a step closer towards getting better at this parenting alone thing.
Wez was supposed to be the bad cop, he was supposed to be my pillar of strength through these tests, my comforter and my “you’re doing a good job” motivator. Yet I dont have that. I am bad cop, good cop, mother, father, best friend, teacher and care taker all in one, all by myself and it is fucking hard!!! I love her with all my heart and in a away I am enjoying this journey but I have never been one to sugar coat and there is no ways I can sugar coat Single Motherhood!!